Asgoodasdead666's Journals

When Everything Feels Like A Movie...

I'm leaving California for New York on June 20th. I have the ticket and I'm starting to ship my stuff there.

I'm really excited right now.

The Best Of Us Can Find Happiness In Misery....

I'm still sick with a cold. I really hate getting sick.

One step closer to getting out of California, starting on college dreams of going to New York. We'll see what happens.

I read my grandma the song I wrote, she loves it and says it's great. I'm not sure if I agree.

Why is it that so many people are moving to California when I'm only focused on getting out?

You Can't Fight The Tears That Ain't Coming, Or The Moment Of Truth In Your Lies...

I've been listening to a couple of bands my mom listened to while I was still a kid. Like The Goo Goo Dolls. I like a lot of their lyrics.

I'm sick. I finally got the cold my entire family had. Ugh.

I just wrote a song. I don't know if it's any good.

I'm a little sad right now.

Angels Fall Without You There...

Every once in a while I get the way I am right now.

Elated and on the brink of depression.

http://www.friendsorenemies.com/web/foe/journals/clandestine/entry/3674791/

I wish I could meet them, but I'm missing them again. It's very disheartening.

Starting to wonder if I'll ever get the chance.

Probably wouldn't matter anyways.

Hey Doctor I'm Certifiable...

Just a quick post for anybody who hasn't got their wisdom teeth yanked: IT FUCKING HURTS! Damn, I'm glad I only had the two pulled out, it would have been much worse for all four of them to be pulled.

Side note, the highlight of the entire day was when one of the nurses saw my Panic at the Disco tee and we started talking about them, lol!

Gotta Kill Themselves Nine Times Before They Get It Right...

Ok. I've wrote about my dad. How I've never met him, and how he's never made an effort to talk to me or find me. I've written about meeting some of my family on that side.My great-grandma called me today to ask if I've talked to my dad. I said no, wondering why she was asking.

Apparently, he wants to talk to me.

This is big. And I don't know what I should do. I don't handle stressful situations very well. And this is the most stressful thing that could ever happen to me. I don't even know if he's doing this of his own free will, or if his mom or his grandma or his brother or sisters are making this decision for him.

And I don't know what I'll do if I meet him. I know I'm defensive, ecspecially around this issue, and I know I can hurt him easily. I'm good at it if I want to hurt someone. Mentally. Emotionally. I'm not going towards physically because I would prefer to stay OUT of prison. Even if I would really like to hurt him physically, I know it's not worth it.

I'm also thinking, that if he is doing this of his own free will, that he wants something. That's what I'm used to, people using me for something they want. I don't need to go through that anymore.

But I'm so sick of feeling the way I do. Even though I'm a lot better then I used to be, I still can't look at my reflection without being disgusted and angry. I still hurt a lot because of this whole thing. And I probably always will, because, no matter what he or anyone else does, no one can turn back time.

I'm going to blast Fall Out Boy until my ears bleed now. Maybe that will clear my head.

3......2.......1................. Happy New Year

Time to celebrate another year passing. At the end of this year though, I feel pretty proud of myself for some personal issues I've concured. I was reading back in time with my old journal entries, and I think it's obvious how much I've changed.

Once upon a time, I never thought I could stand in the mosh pit of a concert, let alone MEET a band that I've loved ever since they started. But I did, and I'm pretty proud of myself for doing that.

I also never thought I'd be brave enough to reach out to my father's side of my family, but I have. I'm talking with one of my aunts, I've talked to my uncle, and I even got to spend a day with my great grandma. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am because of this.

And then there are the little things that tell I've grown up. I'm much more polite to people my age, I'm a little less quiet. I can't say I enjoy being the center of attention, but I am a lot less awkward if it happens. I'm still terrible at talking with people, but it's improved a little. I put a little more effort into how I look instead of not caring at all.

I still live for my music. I don't think that will ever change. It's how I'm going to be bringing in the new year. I'll be watching my Panic at the Disco: Live In Chicago dvd and then listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco and several others all night long. My music is my lifeblood. I physically need it when I'm scared or stressed, or else I spaz. I almost blasted my eardrums apart when I went to meet my great-grandma because I was terrified she'd reject me. All the future tattoos I have planned involve music. Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, The Academy Is... so on and so forth, their music sometimes feels like the only thing I have.

I know that I'm probably over involved with music, but.... What can I say? Music saved my life. In a way, anyways. It started the whole thing. I can't believe how much I ignored music when I was younger.

So, now what will happen? What will the new year bring? I'm hoping for more concerts, I'll be going back to Mexico in Febuary, hopfully I'll graduate high school and ship out to New York... Maybe something will happen to change those plans.

Well, in any case. For better, or for worse, the new year will bring events around.

Happy new year.

I'm Lost And I'll Never Be Found...

Long time no post! *rolls eyes* Ok, several things have happened in the last few months, one that I haven't talked about, and a couple I haven't really had a chance to talk about.

On Oct. 12 I went to the Rockband concert in Sacramento. Before that, I won a meet and greet pass off of Panic At The Disco's official fanclub. I can not tell you how terrifying that was. That was the single most scariest moment of my life. Only one thing would ever top that, and THAT will probably never happen so I don't have to worry about it. I really realized then how bad I am with people. I could barely talk, I stared at the table, and was probably white as a ghost. The picture was killer. I LOATH having my picture taken, but my friend made me do it. So now I have a picture and me looking like a dork with my friend looking awesome with Panic At The Disco.

......

My grandparents made me frame it, lol.

Secondly, I just went to Mexico on Thanksgiving. It was pretty nice there, too hot though, but nice. We were right next to the sea. I did some Christmas shopping there. It was kinda depressing though. There are people there who are so poor they live in crudely made shacks. It was terrible.

Now onto my dilemma.

I have my dad's sister's e-mail address. I'm debating wether or not to talk to her. Considering I did something that I always claimed I'd never be able to do, (meet one of my favorite bands) this should be easy, right? I don't even know anymore. I have so many thoughts flying around in my head, and most of them don't even BEGIN to make sense.....

You spend your entire childhood and teenage years thinking about a person you never have met, and you dream about all the cruel things they could say for too long..... That you start to say them to yourself. That you start believing every negative though you think or hear. You torture yourself everyday with all of these thoughts, that you physically make yourself sick just by glancing in the mirror as you pass by. Do you face it? Or do you run away, like the coward you know you are. I think we all know where I fall.

I claim to have gotten better from the person I once was, but it's an ongoing struggle, that I may never completly win. Let's just see where the future will bring me, and I'll deal with it as it comes.

It's Only A Crime If I Get Caught....

Well, I'm apparently reentering the sleeplessness mode at this point. My best friend is moving to Idaho, and I'm happy for him, but it's going to be a little lonlier here.

Two days from now I'm going to the Rockband concert. I'm panicing, (lol, no pun intended) because I am going to the m&g also, which is terrifing. I can't belive how nervous and excited I am. I have to put up with my grandfather bitching about the entire thing, but honestly, it's all worth it.

I'll Tear In Two And Never Lie To You...

Geez, planning for the future freakin blows. I think my grandma's going to drive me insane with everything she's planning. But on the bright side, I may be moving to New York after this school year. ^_^ And I'm getting a passport.

I have to go to the freaking college night my school is holding on Wed. I'm looking so forward to it. -_-

I have no idea what I'm going to throw myself into. I'm hoping I'll figure that out pretty quickly though, lol.