I'm the Kind of Kid That Can't Let Anything Go...

I'm leaving California for New York on June 20th. I have the ticket and I'm starting to ship my stuff there.

I'm really excited right now.

I'm still sick with a cold. I really hate getting sick.

One step closer to getting out of California, starting on college dreams of going to New York. We'll see what happens.

I read my grandma the song I wrote, she loves it and says it's great. I'm not sure if I agree.

Why is it that so many people are moving to California when I'm only focused on getting out?

I've been listening to a couple of bands my mom listened to while I was still a kid. Like The Goo Goo Dolls. I like a lot of their lyrics.

I'm sick. I finally got the cold my entire family had. Ugh.

I just wrote a song. I don't know if it's any good.

I'm a little sad right now.

Every once in a while I get the way I am right now.

Elated and on the brink of depression.

http://www.friendsorenemies.com/web/foe/journals/clandestine/entry/3674791/

I wish I could meet them, but I'm missing them again. It's very disheartening.

Starting to wonder if I'll ever get the chance.

Probably wouldn't matter anyways.

Just a quick post for anybody who hasn't got their wisdom teeth yanked: IT FUCKING HURTS! Damn, I'm glad I only had the two pulled out, it would have been much worse for all four of them to be pulled.

Side note, the highlight of the entire day was when one of the nurses saw my Panic at the Disco tee and we started talking about them, lol!

Ok. I've wrote about my dad. How I've never met him, and how he's never made an effort to talk to me or find me. I've written about meeting some of my family on that side.My great-grandma called me today to ask if I've talked to my dad. I said no, wondering why she was asking.

Apparently, he wants to talk to me.

This is big. And I don't know what I should do. I don't handle stressful situations very well. And this is the most stressful thing that could ever happen to me. I don't even know if he's doing this of his own free will, or if his mom or his grandma or his brother or sisters are making this decision for him.

And I don't know what I'll do if I meet him. I know I'm defensive, ecspecially around this issue, and I know I can hurt him easily. I'm good at it if I want to hurt someone. Mentally. Emotionally. I'm not going towards physically because I would prefer to stay OUT of prison. Even if I would really like to hurt him physically, I know it's not worth it.

I'm also thinking, that if he is doing this of his own free will, that he wants something. That's what I'm used to, people using me for something they want. I don't need to go through that anymore.

But I'm so sick of feeling the way I do. Even though I'm a lot better then I used to be, I still can't look at my reflection without being disgusted and angry. I still hurt a lot because of this whole thing. And I probably always will, because, no matter what he or anyone else does, no one can turn back time.

I'm going to blast Fall Out Boy until my ears bleed now. Maybe that will clear my head.

Time to celebrate another year passing. At the end of this year though, I feel pretty proud of myself for some personal issues I've concured. I was reading back in time with my old journal entries, and I think it's obvious how much I've changed.

Once upon a time, I never thought I could stand in the mosh pit of a concert, let alone MEET a band that I've loved ever since they started. But I did, and I'm pretty proud of myself for doing that.

I also never thought I'd be brave enough to reach out to my father's side of my family, but I have. I'm talking with one of my aunts, I've talked to my uncle, and I even got to spend a day with my great grandma. I can't even begin to explain how happy I am because of this.

And then there are the little things that tell I've grown up. I'm much more polite to people my age, I'm a little less quiet. I can't say I enjoy being the center of attention, but I am a lot less awkward if it happens. I'm still terrible at talking with people, but it's improved a little. I put a little more effort into how I look instead of not caring at all.

I still live for my music. I don't think that will ever change. It's how I'm going to be bringing in the new year. I'll be watching my Panic at the Disco: Live In Chicago dvd and then listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco and several others all night long. My music is my lifeblood. I physically need it when I'm scared or stressed, or else I spaz. I almost blasted my eardrums apart when I went to meet my great-grandma because I was terrified she'd reject me. All the future tattoos I have planned involve music. Fall Out Boy, Panic at the Disco, The Academy Is... so on and so forth, their music sometimes feels like the only thing I have.

I know that I'm probably over involved with music, but.... What can I say? Music saved my life. In a way, anyways. It started the whole thing. I can't believe how much I ignored music when I was younger.

So, now what will happen? What will the new year bring? I'm hoping for more concerts, I'll be going back to Mexico in Febuary, hopfully I'll graduate high school and ship out to New York... Maybe something will happen to change those plans.

Well, in any case. For better, or for worse, the new year will bring events around.

Happy new year.

Long time no post! *rolls eyes* Ok, several things have happened in the last few months, one that I haven't talked about, and a couple I haven't really had a chance to talk about.

On Oct. 12 I went to the Rockband concert in Sacramento. Before that, I won a meet and greet pass off of Panic At The Disco's official fanclub. I can not tell you how terrifying that was. That was the single most scariest moment of my life. Only one thing would ever top that, and THAT will probably never happen so I don't have to worry about it. I really realized then how bad I am with people. I could barely talk, I stared at the table, and was probably white as a ghost. The picture was killer. I LOATH having my picture taken, but my friend made me do it. So now I have a picture and me looking like a dork with my friend looking awesome with Panic At The Disco.

......

My grandparents made me frame it, lol.

Secondly, I just went to Mexico on Thanksgiving. It was pretty nice there, too hot though, but nice. We were right next to the sea. I did some Christmas shopping there. It was kinda depressing though. There are people there who are so poor they live in crudely made shacks. It was terrible.

Now onto my dilemma.

I have my dad's sister's e-mail address. I'm debating wether or not to talk to her. Considering I did something that I always claimed I'd never be able to do, (meet one of my favorite bands) this should be easy, right? I don't even know anymore. I have so many thoughts flying around in my head, and most of them don't even BEGIN to make sense.....

You spend your entire childhood and teenage years thinking about a person you never have met, and you dream about all the cruel things they could say for too long..... That you start to say them to yourself. That you start believing every negative though you think or hear. You torture yourself everyday with all of these thoughts, that you physically make yourself sick just by glancing in the mirror as you pass by. Do you face it? Or do you run away, like the coward you know you are. I think we all know where I fall.

I claim to have gotten better from the person I once was, but it's an ongoing struggle, that I may never completly win. Let's just see where the future will bring me, and I'll deal with it as it comes.

Well, I'm apparently reentering the sleeplessness mode at this point. My best friend is moving to Idaho, and I'm happy for him, but it's going to be a little lonlier here.

Two days from now I'm going to the Rockband concert. I'm panicing, (lol, no pun intended) because I am going to the m&g also, which is terrifing. I can't belive how nervous and excited I am. I have to put up with my grandfather bitching about the entire thing, but honestly, it's all worth it.

Geez, planning for the future freakin blows. I think my grandma's going to drive me insane with everything she's planning. But on the bright side, I may be moving to New York after this school year. ^_^ And I'm getting a passport.

I have to go to the freaking college night my school is holding on Wed. I'm looking so forward to it. -_-

I have no idea what I'm going to throw myself into. I'm hoping I'll figure that out pretty quickly though, lol.

My counsler said an interesting thing to me the other day. She said I seemed more mature now. She told me that I've always been more mature then most people my age, but now I seem more grown up.

I've been wondering more about my future. I have no idea what's going to happen. Whether I live to be 90 years old or die tomorrow.

I have hopes and dreams. Most of them are far-fetched and not going to happen.

Wondering how long it's going to be before I snap.

How many more days before I break down?

I have a feeling somethings going to happen soon. I don't know if it's good or bad.

I guess I'll find out when it arrives.

I HATE SUMMER!

*Coughs* Other then restating a fact that I've stated WAY too many times, nothing new to report. I have to meet with my teacher tomorrow *sigh* and last year of high school to start for me!

I'm jumping for joy.

Really, I am.

I'm so tired...... The heat is starting to get to me. I couldn't sleep last night, it was so crazy, plus weird dreams equals a very grouchy me in the morning. And we had to leave to go to town at about 9. Took me forever to fully wake up.

Still going crazy at the thought of the concert. At my friends birthday party we made messanger bags and decorated them with paint. Mine has lyrics all over it. >_> And crappy drawings, lol. The lyrics themselves came out crappy too. But it's something, plan on taking it with me to the concert to hold my stuff in.

Got a new Panic shirt today. ^_^ I love it.

Pretty much baked in the heat too.

I wish it would cool down soon.

Tired..... I hate summer.... I hate the heat.

Other then restating those regular facts, it's been great lately. ^_^ I bought tickets to the RockBand Concert, in Oct. so I'm jazzed about that. My grandparents are trying to talk me into getting my drivers lincense, ick. I'm the only eighteen year old I know who really does not want to drive. I don't like the thought of me and my ADHD self behind the wheel. *Cringe* Scary......

My tattoos are pretty much healed, which sucked the most. Not getting them done, the iching that can when they were healing. And you can't scratch them. Terrible.

Writing more and more. Some of my so-called lyrics are actually growing on me.

...........

My heads starting to hurt. I need more coffee.

*Sighs*

I don't understand myself. Honestly I don't. I don't know why I can't like guys who I should like or stay in a good realationship.

I just like a guy who I'm too afraid to try to talk to.

Everytime I see him I feel like I get punched in the gut, it's terrible.

I can't understand why I suddenly feel this way.

Well, we're almost ready to head out. I'm kind of excited now. ^_^;;; Nervous also. I don't like planes very much. The heights I don't mind; I actually enjoy those, but planes *cringe* they are right behind cars on my "Fear list", next to bees and cockroaches. And unstable surfaces.

We have to switch planes twice after we take off. Whoohoo! *Sarcasm*

I'll edit this post once we get there to let anyone who bothers to read my ramblings that we made it in one piece.

TTFN

It's really hard to write down what is going on in my head. 
My thoughts are literally going 150 miles per second.
When I try to speak them I trip over my words, and when I try to write them down, they don't appear as good as they do when I think them. I still try my hardest though.
I entered two contests the other day.
One of them, I had a spaz attack over and had to try my hardest to remain calm.
The other I'm not too concerned about, because I have a small chance in hell of actually winning. Probably with the first one too. It took a good hour to force myself to relax, but it took longer to stop the negative thoughts that flaired up with each second of hope that worked up.
I'm so screwed up, it's stupid.
Sometimes I think I can do things by myself, and I don't need anyone else to be with me.
And then I realize how lonely I actually am.
.........
I wish I could admit that I need someone to be with me. Someone who is the complete opposite of who I am. 
Which means they have to be close to perfect to deal with the complete mess that I am.
 

Whew. Been trying to get a move on packing lol! I hate packing. I really do. >_> I'm either getting nagged about bringing too much or bringing too little. *Sigh* I'm also trying to pack my Ipod as well, as in, stuffing as much crap into it as I can. LOL it's a 30 gb, and I have about 299 mbs left on it!

I won a bet with my grandma. My uncle is really into music, and she said that he probably knew Panic At The Disco's music. I told her that it wasn't likely. Two minutes later my uncle called, lol. So I asked him. His response? "HUH?" Lol, she owes me now. ^_^

I was just thinking about how I really don't need drugs. I mean, besides the fact that they are bad for you. I get addicted to things enough, I don't need any drugs. Music is my drug. Implusive shopping is another drug. Looking for pictures of whatever/whoever I'm hooked on at the moment is another. I don't need any actual drugs to make myself feel better or worse, I seem to have the ablity to do that by myself. I know how to make myself feel happy and confidant and then the next minute make myself feel absolutly worthless and depressed. I can make myself physically sick and then singing my heart out the next second.

I've also figured out why horror flicks and scary stories don't bother me. I'm not afraid of monsters coming to get me or having a crazed serial killer stalking me, I'm terrified of different, simple things. I'm terrified of attention and catching the eye of someone I like. My horror movie would be to have my daydreams come true.

*Rereads all that I wrote*

Yeah.

I'm weird.

Ugh. I'm tired. I'm trying to revert back to my insomniatic ways. For good reason. I'll be leaving with my grandparents to go to fucking NEW YORK on Tuesday! ^_^ Our plane leaves at 10:00 pm, lol! So I wouldn't be sleeping the entire time, and we have to switch planes, on in Vegas, (And we only have a 30 minute wait, dammit, I wanted to stay there for a while.) and one in Philadelpia, (I probably spelled that wrong.) I'll be fine with it, I've stayed up for entire nights before, I'm kinda used to it. My grandparents on the other hand..... >_> Not so much. I'm gonna watch over them the entire flight. ^_^;;;

In other news, my summer program is done, and once I get back from New York I'll get my check. *Sigh* Kinda bummed about not having to work anymore. I'll plan on getting another job once I get back.

I also joined Northern Downpour, Panic's official fan club. ^_^

............

My typing is getting worse, lol, I had to keep going back and respell things, I'm typing way to fast!

ANYways, that's all for now. I'll write more some other time.

Have a nice day!

Just got a job, and have been working. Surprisingly I actually enjoy it, I'm not bored anymore! ^_^ Brithday has come and gone. It still sucks, but I didn't get into my normal 'birthday mood' until halfway through the day. Progress!

Music is still keeping me sane, even when I'm working. And I've been writing my own, so-called lyrics.... They suck though, so I'm not posting them here. ^_^;;;; Mainly just writing down random thoughts, but I do have about five full paged lyrics, which is surprising. I actually wrote two of them at work, lol!

Anyways, I'm actually not tired from working. Like I said, I enjoy it, it keeps me busy. ^_^ Which is good. And I'm making money! :O Amazing!